I’m sure everyone has had a time in their life when they have ‘hit the wall’. Unable to go on and what you face seems unsurmountable. This happened to me a few weeks ago. Days leading up to the Friday I was feeling sluggish, tired and emotional. I put it down to the training I had commenced for the 25kms Oaks Fire Trail run in June. This was week four and I was now running 1hr – 1.5hrs, 3 times a week, plus stretching and rolling which meant that on those days I had 1.5hrs – 2 hrs less in my day. This was a huge increase in the amount of exercise I was doing to add to all the other things I had to in the day.
So Friday came and it was an 1hr 45min run. I had a sore throat and I really didn’t want to go, plus my periods had started…ahhh. Jannine, my partner who had completed the run last year, gave me a pep talk about being consistent in my training so that I could complete the run. I left the house at 5.30am for the run. I ended up only doing 45mins and walking most of that while I cried a couple of times. Home and I burst into tears. I felt a complete failure in every aspect of my life. I knew part of what I was experiencing was emotions bubbling up that I had pushed down over my life time. You see, to do this run I was cleaning up the food that I consumed and when you start to eat cleaner the body is then able to clean/detox other stuff, in this case suppressed emotions. For those who know me, they would say that I already ate clean so how can I clean up my eating? There is always room to improve, things to tweak and that is what I am doing.
I had no mental, emotional or physical reserves to draw on for the run that morning and I just crashed. I also had no reserves to deal with what was bubbling up, nor the time, so I consciously decided to have some chocolate. Yup chocolate, and not raw, home made chocolate but store bought, mass produced chocolate. When you become more conscious of what you are doing, eating and saying you then make your choices consciously. So for me, eating chocolate would put a halt on what was bubbling up, push it back down again, until I had the reserves and the time to deal with it. I have discovered how I respond physically and emotionally when I have chocolate. When I am stressed or emotional I can feel tight, constricted and flat so I would always reach for chocolate. Why? Because it helps me relax, feel fluid, expansive and happier. However it also suppresses the emotions that need to be dealt with. The chocolate was my bandaid for what was happening at the time but it didn’t help me resolve the issue. So knowing why I ‘use’ chocolate I now consciously decide when I eat it. Am I eating it because I just want some chocolate or am I using it for the bandaid effect? For Friday after the run it was the later. I did not have the reserves or the time to resolve what was bubbling up and I also had a ‘101 things’ on my to do list for the workshop I was running the following day.
So chocolate was part of my ‘helping me get over the wall’ I had hit. A long shower, reading my goals, standing in front of my vision boards and ‘feeling’ how they make me feel and then focusing on what I needed to do so that the workshop would be successful the following day what also part of my strategy to get over the wall.
Why am I sharing this with you? A couple of days later I was re-reading one of my favourite books “The Dance” by Oriah Mountain Dreamer and the chapter ‘Hitting the Wall’ starts with:
I have heard enough warrior stories of heroic dancing.
Tell me how you crumble when you hit the wall,
the place you cannot go beyond by the strength of your own will.
What carries you to the other side of the wall,
to the fragile beauty of your own humanness?
I had hit the wall and what carried me to the other side? Being authentic with myself. By acknowledging that I needed the chocolate, there has been no guilt nor harsh words on my behalf like there has been in years gone by. It was what it was. We are all human but it is in being authentic with ourselves that we are then able to be authentic with each other.
In good health, Vicki